This is probably the worst people situation I have ever been in. It doesn't help that the forecast looks really discouraging for all parties involved. my head is killing me. i used to say i want this month to be over, now i kind of want this year to be over.

i don't want to throw up my hands and give up, but i feel like i kind of have to in some aspects. today sucks.

blah blah sex blah blah

Moving into new house. I like it, but now I've realized it takes a couple months before you feel really comfortable. I'm excited not to have to deal with a management company anymore. I hope mimi can figure out something to do with her bed... i hope she'll realize it wont fit at all upstairs. 

I'll be glad when this month is over. new house will be set up, new roommate in place, school started, comfortable at job, financial aid coming. I also feel really creative lately, all I want to do is make more paintings. 

astrology freaks me out. i just did a birth chart and it's very accurate. something interesting it said was i like to befriend those who seems hindered or troubled in some way, i'm very sensitive to people's energy, which can be a bad a good thing, so i'm very empathic of those who seem to have a deeper story to their character. this is soooo true. all of my close friends and the people i feel most drawn to people have had substantially traumatic life experiences or difficult adolescence. i realized this but i never did this on purpose, like i'm attracted to "damaged goods" or something. Just something that tends to happen. I think i've been treating people who i want to be romantic with differently than i would people i choose as my friends. i think sexual energy is so strong and confusing, it can make the process of determining if someone is suited to me unclear. It makes people "settle" in a sense. Even if they are settling on someone really attractive without really knowing them (and when does that ever happen huh!). 

Sexual energy has nowhere to go, you can't transform or work through it like sadness or anger. You just push it aside or masturbate, and a lot of time that doesn't really cut it, more like it barely takes the edge off. If young people weren't predisposed to have heightened sex drives, think of all the shit we could get done. lesbian, straight gay, we're all wired that way regardless if anything becomes of it (like a bebe). 

I do wish society in general was less suppressive of sexuality, and it's gotten better, but then I see this drawback because of it. Our youth is getting the butt of all our sexual confusion. Millions of children are destroyed by sexual abuse stemming from adults and older adolescents misguided interpretations of their sexual rights and suppressed urges. Porn is a fucking empire (literally) and mainstream entertainment has been well aware that throwing some risk-ay content here and there can help make money. No wonder religious fanatics are just that, completely frustrated and disgusted by the amount of rush, unfiltered sex that reaches their children and themselves. 

the best solution i can come up with is more self love, in all forms. i would be much more at peace (and they would be too) if more religions accepted masturbation. it's hard for people who aren't religious to admit they like jacking it or even have. it puts a very strong image in a person's mind, the scenario in which a person finds themselves masturbating is often casual, alone and therefore seemingly pathetic. Its a harsh word for it, but sure you could call it pathetic from a view. You do it (usually) when your alone and your not getting it from someone else. But everyone masturbates, even a fucking supermodel does. Maybe not as much as the white overweight guy playing halo in his parent's basement after his shift at Best Buy, but everyone does it.

I want other kinds of self love to be okay, the more mental kind. Like, the fat dude playig halo probably has lower self esteem than a leggy model, and probably experiences some guilt or "pathetic" feelings afterwards. It would help if he realized that everyone does it, but it would also help if he realized what he subconsciously already did. We have the luxury, not the burden, to not have to find a companion or have one at all times. We associate singleness with being alone, when we fail to look around at the relationships we have or can create. Also that, we are always going to be alone. 

I believe this because I think the sexual self is somewhat separate from the everyday, present self. Example, the most "normal" people can have some fucked up kinks and fetishes, and weirdos can have an affinity for vanilla sex. The only value I can see in a romantic partner is that they see and experience both sides of someone. It's interesting but I don't think it necessarily builds a better understanding or someone by having a more complete image of someone. it's just a faucet of someone's individuality, at the point when they are expressing their deepest pleasure.

And pleasure? Random, silly, disgusting shit makes me laugh, gives me pleasure, I feel sexuality also picks and chooses what gets someone's batteries charge, determined by their DNA and their life experiences. This is why I feel romantic relationships are overrated in this sense, putting too much validness on sex. I've had sex with people I barely knew, and it didn't make me want to get to know them better nor deter it. All it made me want to do was either have sex with them again or not.

I hope I'm not making sex look unimportant or should be ignored in some way, that would contradict my earlier point completely. I just wished people would realize that a lot of these romantic tugs people get are more directed towards their genitals or can be channeled that way as to avoid the rat race finding a partner can be. Putting more work into having deeper friendships can deflect feelings of being alone or not understood. Finding a partner doesn't mean you two suddenly fuse like atoms and you are more than yourself, you are "we" (and a lot of people like to think this happens.). 

I try to put myself in a better place everyday, a place of self love and peace. When I happen to meet someone they are meeting me as a whole person and I would hope for the same.

sleep to dream to wake up

sometimes when i wake up i really wish i hadn't. not that i wish i'd died mysteriously in the night, drifting off into oblivion, never having to raise an eye or an ear to this monotonous existence. more so, i wish i never went to sleep in the first place. the padding time between sleep is so annoying to me i wish it didn't exist in at all.  wish life needed no known period of prolonged recharge, only a sprinkle of ten to fifteen minutes naps and constructive times, like waiting for the bus or your food to be brought out. 

i try not to stress out about sleep, but because it is apparently so important for the rest of my body's functions, i can't help but to give a few moments to its "rituals." pajamas, toothbrushing, pillows. Every once in a while i love to pass out in my clothes, however constricting, in places not commonly known  as beds. bar patio floors, sidewalks, cars, chairs to name a few places i've rested. a boozy nap mid sentence at a party? you really haven't sleep, no, lived until you've tried it. the best thing about it is how completely natural it seems. sometimes when i spend literally hours drinking soothing teas, flossing my teeth, reading the most boring book i can find and finally after my sleep mask is on and my socks are slipped off all i can do is think about complicated sexual scenarios with a guy i was behind in the coffee line this morning or how many calories i consumed in the day. as if all the nervous ticks i'd been stuffing down during the day came bubbling up. too much shit happens during a day, even for a seasoned recluse, your mind begins building brick after brick a leaning tower of regret and reprocessed wishes.

please don't get the idea i'm some sort of anxiety bomb waiting to drop. nor am i some drunk complaining about the few times i don't fall asleep in a booze coma. maybe the latter has a scrap of truth to it, but only because it's summer and it's just the thing to do. be a drunk a i mean.

i've tried pills and different pillows, sleeping with commited partners and complete strangers, but i think it's bigger than that. it all correlates back to what i did that day, what i ate how much activity i got, who i talked to. after a day of seeing mostly the same colors and sounds i can't help but reach out and ask for more once i'm horizontal and nearing the early morning. is this process of sleep trying to tell me something? should i be reveling in the sublimity of now rather than trying to run back up the escalator?

i guess so, i guess so. that seems to be the point i'm crawling my digits to. it's kind of like with smoking or biting your fingernails or any vice: you can only stop once you really don't want it, once the weight of the cons finally weighs out the pros. sometimes it kind of feels like i'm giving up on life by dozing off for seven or eight hours, like i wish i could get those waking hours back for more play. but i do, this is what i don't realize. life is the same fucking shit everyday and all us trying to get it right. sleep is when someone shuffles my deck around so it's ready for me in the morning. life is my 2nd chance, my 3rd, 20th,150th, 8,768th. the sooner i can put aside my day dreaming, my calorie counting, the sooner i can fuck this shit up one more time.

horoscopes are crazy! how do the stars and planets control everything!?!?!

My three hour nap yesterday pretty much guaranteed that I wouldn't sleep soundly last night. I woke up around six from vivid, startling dreams. My body was over-rested, there was nothing left to exhaust myself to sleep, yet I was still drowsy, maybe just out of habit.

I need to figure out my job situation. If that job at meagan's work doesn't come through, I'm going to have to get more proactive, which would be bad because...I don't like most jobs. I'm pretty bad at them. I just want to go to school, maybe my mom will give me money. I want experience though, but doing what and where?

So, I'm going to move into this new house. It's not that my house is a bad situation, and I don't want to put a lot of blame for my lack of productiveness on it, but a change would be good. I really must promise myself that I'll actually be active creatively while I live here. More and more I think moving to another city in a couple years would be good for me, maybe look at different schools. I'm going to keep it in mind, but I will also still consider PSU. Financially, something pretty lucky would have to happen for me to be able to move anywhere.

My horoscope really comforted me yesterday, to the point I kind of started crying. I feel like I could have accomplished more in the last couple years, I know I could have, but I am also aware of how far I've come. Maybe I didn't do a lot creatively or academically, but I grew emotionally by leaps and bounds. I live with a much more responsible and open heart than ever before, with less fear but more caution. 

One thing I'm proud of is how consistently active I've become. I still want to become stronger but I definitely see improvement. 

God, my head feels so strange, I need to go to yoga. I feel like I'm constantly dreaming, like I never really go to sleep, never really wake up. I'm able to function, get enough things done. Something in my head keeps wanting after I decide to sleep. Like a curdling feeling in my stomach; like I left the oven on, the door unlocked, the garage open in my head. I try not to freak out about my future, about how people perceive me, sometimes it catches up with me when I least expect it. 

My head is...eck i can't even explain it very well. 

Kissin on the deep side, I sleep with eyes who lied

Today seems like it's going to be pretty awesome. Finding new (to me) hip hop, going to the farmer's market right quick, gym. Last night was eye opening to say the least. Everyone has their secrets, again, to say the least. It's frankly hard for me to type the words of what I now know. It is very much real to me, I do not deny or dispute it, it is just one of the biggest pills of reality I've had in a while. It sort of dwarfs all the small little "occurrences" my friends and I have been experiencing. Perspective perspective perspective. 

"it's like jungle sometimes it makes me wonder,  that god must be one sick mutha fucker, so i bust a nut in a sky spend another day, waiting to die" - Mickey Avalon Waiting to Die

Speak too soon...

I waaaas sooo waaaasteeeeed. I figured out why I'm so accommodating of megan right now, because I've been doing the same thing for all my girlfriends this year. Everybody broke up, including me and I really appreciated having my girlfriends by my side, even if the only way they could comfort me was just being in my presence, reminding me of reality. 

Controlled Empathy.

After some wrong turns (about an extra hours' worth) we got to Washougal Falls. It kinda makes the Sandy look exactly like the toilet it is but I wish it had actual sand than rocks. Megan practice swimming and I practice hiding my pubic hair under the little bottoms I borrowed from her. Her and Paris are some couple, for how much longer I can't say. Watching them interact is the most confusing thing ever.

It looks a little better in prospects regarding that non-platonic relationships, the platonic are doing pretty good too. I still need to work on my shyness, it only happens sometimes but it shouldn't really happen when it does. Old habits are hard to break? weird?

Crying dudes in suits kill me

Waltz With Bashir was very good and very sad. I enjoyed how the story was built, this middle aged man trying to recover memories from the traumatic time he spent in the Israeli army during the Lebanon War, visiting his old comrades and gathering memories and flashbacks along the way. The end is very graphic but completely appropriate and you see very vividly why this man had repressed these thoughts for so long. After twenty long years though, he wants, maybe needs, to return and reflect. This is why I put so much trust in time.

I must admit, I've been kind of lonely lately. Not depressed about it, but we've all been there when it would be nice to have someone to give your attention to. When I feel like this I do something you would think would magnify the gaping hole in my romantic life: see a movie alone. It's kind of like reveling in the fact of being alone with makes you in turn feel powerful and contented. 

The wedding was pretty fun, it was an amazing ceremony, I totally cried. I cried at a stranger's wedding. If I knew anyone besides annie it probably would have been more comfortable but I'm really glad I got to see that and drink a bunch of free wine. I'm also glad to spend time with Annie. She's always been kind of hard for me to peg. Seeing people from her immediate past and hearing her talk about her current situation helped me understand her better. 

Her perspective is a little different from mine, some things she does and says I wouldn't do, but I also relate to her in a lot of ways. We're both pretty perceptive to our environment and like to be as honest as we can with people. I think that's why she can come across as selfish or rude to some people. We were both in restricting relationships and for the first time we feel truly independent and free to act any way we please. It's a balancing act, trying to experiment and grow, testing yours and others boundaries, but we're both working towards something positive. 

This is one of my favorite things about growing up. I don't write people off as often as I used to. It's hard and takes some mental work but I'm getting better at realizing my mistakes and making them known. If we all did that a little more, maybe we'd all be more forgiving about things said and done. To self edit all the time is almost impossible. We may not know perfectly who we are or what we want, but most of the time people know what they don't want or don't want to be perceived as. 

These past weeks has shown me that yoga is definitely a process. It's been really inspiring because of the book I'm reading has a nice duality with it. It's about living without a large, life defining goal and enjoying the "sublime" of life, the process, the journey. It sounds cheesy and slightly nihilistic, but it quite isn't. Yoga is about enjoying your process and being in the moment, letting all of the noise and self induced stress around you melt away. In turn you become more focused and relaxed, which has happened to me. 

I started realizing how much having a large life goal can be detrimental to my well being. I would catch myself fantasizing about becoming a pilates instructor and being so strong and in control of my body or working for some prestigious journal or magazine. These are nice things, but I'm young and things will come or not and it doesn't matter. You have to like what your doing right now. By doing that, you don't just slack off self actualization  and turn on autopilot, you learn to like life by the moment, and the more I'm in a contented and happy place, the more I strive to get back to it when life becomes hard or stressful. We try so hard to declutter our physical reality, to control our surroundings when all that really matter is all the mental garbage we keep lying around. Like obsessive collectors, we hold onto anxious thoughts or lofty goals or strict ideals , not giving us a second of peace of mind. 

"hi puppy"

I'm not going to yoga because my stomach is bugging me because mimi and i got totes weed wasted and ate a pizza last night with giant garlic cloves all over it. Twas noms.

This was executed at Sydney Kim's apartment after watching The Room, probably the most ridiculous movie I've ever seen, and during Twlight, the 2nd most ridiculous movie I've ever seen.

I'm really excited for my acupuncture appointment today, hopefully it will...y'know...work.

Me wants video cam asap.

it just makes me feel a little rejected. things like this hit you right in your mega ego, that being the state of mind we like to pretend we don't have (or we do?). We are the center of the universe and so awesome and enchanting that coming in our general vicinity causes such a gravitational pull you'd be ill not to have a chance to spend time basking in the aura of "me"

i felt like, totally wooed. but i can move on, because i have to. i now have to be lenient  towards my ego. now go outside it's beautiful.

Favorite Directors:

Julian Schnabel 

Pedro Almodovar

Paul Thomas Anderson

Sam Mendes

Before Night Falls is winning as my favorite movie. It's so loving, when I watch it it makes me want to live with passion.

Yoga and Pilates have been good, intense but good. It's nice to have a reason to wake up in the morning most days, and it makes those days you can stay up late drinking look even better. I love the control I feel when doing either.

I feel weird every fucking day this week!!

All I wanna do is listen to Nas. It's like that, <>

I was too late to go to yoga, so I went to the computer lab to attempt some thought retrieval.

Natalie, why do you feel weird:

I think it's because I havn't been getting quality sleep because I've been too anxious, I think I am actually still allergic to something I'm eating, probably gluten but I really need to get that checked out. My legs just feel all funny and anxious and my shoulder keeps bugging me.

How will you fix this:

Stop eating gluten again, and get acupuncture to help with my anxious feelings and my shoulder.

Is it deeper than physical dilemmas:

Maybe a little. It's very hard to tell. I think I feel like kind of a loser lately, not making quality use of all this free time I have. I should really talk to lana about nanny jobs and do some volunteer work. I gotta lay off the dope, it makes me sooooo lazy. I don't like being sedentary anymore, it's partly physical but my mind is also always pushing myself to do more and I can't turn it off.


My friend looked at me to tell me a funny story
I've already heard it but I let her talk
Her eyes are light with anticipation
Mine are the same
She uses her hands and timing
To make my time listening to her
What its worth
Then I laugh
And she laughs
I mention she's told this story before
We hum to a comfortable silence

My poetry is whack dawg.

God damn, I love Illmatic, it is such a good fucking album.

I just want someone to be excited about, to spend a few hours a day with. Unfortunately, lfie has shown me if you want it too much it never comes in the good way, you just have to be open and yourself to others and hope, maybe one or two, will see appreciable qualities.

I'm going to paint my clothes and tan today.

yesterday was surprisingly fun and growing. my sister and i had a lot of time to chat, i told how i totally heart weed now and she, who has been smoking everyday for like five years, was understanding and happy to share that with me, since we don't share much besides being egotistical comedians (or what we liken ourselves to be).

i don't take comedy as seriously as she does though. i miss performing though, it's really fun and gratifying. it wouldn't even have to be funny whatever i do. i should ask her about trying out for things. 

I feel exceptionally inspired by life, for the most part.

Today I want to fiddle around with my paints and play tennis because sports are fun and good for the economy.

my shoulder hurts.

looking out over the skidmore bluffs was pleasing last night. i thought a couple hits would have been enough but i could have handled a few more, my shoulder kept hurting.

So I took a bunch of mushrooms at the naked bike ride and had the most amazing trip of my life and reached a new level consciousness. no bigs.

While coming down, I kind of decided I should stop drinking. That decision makes so much sense in terms of what I want to achieve with my life, but god how hard does it sound. I think I'm just going to stop drinking to get drunk for a while. Which, in order to be successful, means probably not drinking at all for a while.

All of my problems revolve around alcohol I realized. I do it all in order to have a good time. If I took that energy and focused it on other ways to have fun, I could get so much more done. I don't want to say I will never drink again because life is too long to think such things. Basically, I want to take myself more seriously.

I'm sorry for being mean to zack and sleeping with so many guys, i owe it all to drinking. every time I've gotten severely mad at my friends it's because they were drunk and i wasn't and I found them too irritating.

I realized last night all the messages I was sending myself, trying to guide me along to the right decisions and choices. It was a big fucking epiphany. the whole night, the time frame, the series of events made it all finally click. i know what i have to do know, it's all a matter of putting it into action.

i think it comes to a point for everyone when they finally stop ignoring their dreams. my new goal while doing this is to keep an upbeat, light attitude. i'm going to start taking myself and my life very fucking seriously, that doesn't mean though i can't dance and joke with my friends, and learn about new silly ways to spend my time enjoying life.

To make this day matter I have to do these things:

Take a shower

Go for a run

Clean my room

Make food

Meet up with boy

I'm getting more and more convinced I have a gluten allergy! My skin is driving me bonkers.

Early?

Being monetarily sound almost feels good as a good night's sleep. I still have this guilt that I should try to get a job, but whaaaaaaat job? The best thing that could happen this summer is I can buy a video camera or borrow my sister's and go on some sort of vacation. I hope I hang out with that boy again, he was cute.

I'm excited to start running again. I'm not going to overexert myself this time, I wanna keep doing it consistently now.

summmaaaahhhteim

I don't have internet at my house anymore and it's hot as ballz all the time now. I like after those first initial hot weeks of summer people get sick of their summer frocks at put on there pants again. my body gave a me a little reality check after kevin's 21st, it got sick. i feel better today, just a little congested. 

i know lana doesn't try to judge me, but we have such different mentalities right now when it comes to relationships and lifestyle choices I know she can't help feel a little more mature. It's true though, I'm kicking it pretty hard these days. I just feel very blessed and free these days. when i was with zack i felt so trapped. now i think it's time for me to stop reveling in the change my life has made and simply try to live good. In a way, make more mature choices like go easy on the booze and try to be productive this summer.

I really hope something comes from this etsy shop idea. i'm still a little sketched out by it, online communities just sound so ghey. i'm sure if i look at it more it won't seem as dumb. 

every season has things to offer me. for summer it has its long warm nights and lack of responsibility. therefore i should take advantage of it. sometimes i get afraid i like having fun too much. like being too promiscuous or getting tattered every night. i guess i have to trust myself not to overindulge. a real job would help add some level of responsibility but god do i hate jobs. i just wanna be my own boss, that's why i hope this etsy thing works. 

the best love is unrequited, because it never had a chance to fail:

What a weekend.

More so, my weekends feel like my week, because they are all I care about. This sentence feels true because I love my friends and I'm getting really good and not giving a shit, which means having a lot of fun.

by letting myself be eaten up by reality, i feel myself farther from it. well, i guess that isn't fair to say, because by my version of being eaten by reality is being fucked up on something every night.  being fucked up on endless silly joy. 

I cracked one of my brain's codes. I think?

Where do you begin asking yourself the most important questions you could ever answer. when i feel wrong i want to ask myself them, maybe then i can take myself seriously. 

it's hard to be overtaken by your body, when your mind just can't seem to muster up whatever kind of motivation and distraction to keep carrying on towards progress. maybe if i keep writing, if i keep asking myself questions and challenging my intellect i can find the words, and the meanings to match.

i hope i sleep okay. i shouldn't have taken that 2nd bump, but it's hard when you have it on you and you you reason out your excitement to feel that rush of focus and energy. I just have to exhaust myself. I feel like an absolute contradiction of the above paragraph, now i'm trying to overtake my body so i can rest. the brain is resilient though, it's hard to tire your brain if properly motivated.

staying up late feels like you capture more of the solitude it's hard to find in the day. maybe, your experience at night feels more focused by being covered in darkness and less busy consciousnesses buzzing by. 

i want to capture more of what i want from life. it's s hard for me to sit still lately if i'm bored in the slightest . i feel myself getting meaner since i feel less and less tied to social obligations i previously prescribed good. rudeness happens sometimes, but i should watch myself before my friends start getting fed up with me. I need my friends, not as much as i used to, but i still need them and respect their persons enough to owe them common courtesies. 

i just get frustrated with people sometimes. i want to tell them exactly what's wrong with them, but you can't do that to people cause they won't take it the right way if you say it so blatant. like myself, i need cohersing and convincing, finesse. my horoscope said i should stop jumping to conclusions. i suppose that's general enough to be true, but what if i'm just really right and i'm just too excited about being correct?

i want someone to tell me what's wrong with me.

i feel like the only things i do wrong lately is not be quite sure of what i want in relationships and therefore make these weird decisions and being rude. I can handle cooling the rudeness, but the other thing i hard. it's used to be just wanting intimacy or attention or validation. now i want that more... that hard to explain more thing that drives most everyone my age up the wall. 

do i want that fun click thing? you meet someone and you guys just "totally" get each other or are (god oh god) "intrigued" by each other. so when this happens, what exactly does happened and should i really be interested in this at all or view it as legitimate of intentions? what does legitimate of intentions mean?

i guess since i don't plan on getting pregnant of married soon, and i see all of my friends and the media and art being constantly dragged back and forth by this thing, i just want to know its purpose, if any, in my life.

if i were to be completely reasonable i would have to say this thing has no business anywhere near me or my future. the most important things i want to see in my future is my continued growth artistically and as a fully formed citizen of the planet. 

okay, let me try this one more time.

this companionship i spend a good chunk of my day discussing in one form or another. someone who gets assigned to this role, i suppose, is to give a more intimate and challenging form of support than a platonic friend can. they are suppose to be those rolls that aren't traditionally entrusted to just friends. for myself, this is good because it gives me a different form of interaction, of communication, that doesn't get stimulated.

it stills keeps circling back to me as a big ego pet: you get to try to love someone almost as much as you love yourself.

then i feel a need to ask myself why is this so a moral strife for me right now? is it so bad to want something so bad? well, i wouldn't say i want this so terribly, especially not in the same way i did before. maybe that says something to my character and personal experience, that the way i view finding a romantic partner is less stressful and that different qualities are desired in that person than before.

this shows a room for growth, a new way to open myself up t life. Therefore, i feel validated enough in trying to find a cute boy to hold hands with as to not impose too much on more pressing issues to my personal growth. phew.

I feel so young lately. 

This movie is interesting. I like it because it shows people being plagued by their own problems and trying to figure out how tot fix them, but them imposing similar pain on those around them they find "inferior" or challenged. This is true. People don't connect their behaviour to things in their life seemingly unconnected. But, if it is in your life it is always connected. 

Ego is blinding for some people. 

"i'm ready to surrender"

Let's shake my dome and see what comes out.

My morning has been filled with filling out forms, being ineligible and losing money and opportunities for it; a beautiful bureaucratic day in the United States of NO.

Well, as they say: whatever fuck it dewd.

I'm completely stickin it to the man this weekend by getting plastered and not reporting my yard sale on my taxes as taxable income. I'm also going to work on my paper and go for a jog before it gets too hot out; and it's already pretty comfy out.

I shouldn't be too worried about getting a job, but jesus christ would it be nice not to live off my savings for awhile and actually save some of that money for a vacation this summer. If I had half as much determination as I should I could create a living for myself. Who says I'm not determined? Only dumb old M-E that's who. Well Natalie, that's fucking bullshit. Get creative.

I'm pretty sure I don't have any heaven to look forward to, so I better start living right the fuck now. How amazingly monotonous I've let my life get. I've let myself become a prisoner to my social aptitude, which is a facade anyway, like my Hello Kitty back pack. My goal today is to be a brave-ass babe.

Lately, I've been comparing the pros and cons of going nowhere and somewhere. It seems, to me, that going anywhere at all is better than going nowhere and looking out at the world, judging places at face value. Is a place better because it is so far away? A little over a hundred years ago people were lucky to travel fifty miles away from their home, much less across half the world. And yet beautiful pieces of art and literature were still able to flourish from all over this big dumb place called Earth.

Then there's this even more dumb thing called the internet that just hemorrhaged knowledge into every crack of a town there is. Like anything too vast and varied to properly qualify, the internet has been the savior of many thirsty for new data, previously unattainable, and the final sledge hammer to reputable popular Western culture. Basically what I'm getting at is isolation is pretty hard to come by, so much so that it seems mythical and therefore frightening to me.

I need to work on not going on so many tangents.

It's my blog whatever fuck it dewd.

Qualitative;

the 1st happiest moment in my life was getting on my high school dance team, my 2nd was my first orgasm, and my 3rd was my second time taking mushrooms.

When I think about America, I mostly recall the word "opportunity." 

Being born here, I have an infinite amount of options and roads I could take. Most people in other places have the same options, but they have to do a hell of a lot more to get where I can in half the time. 

I sit next to people at school, walk past them on the street and sip coffee next to them, only they have traveled a million miles more to get where I am. 

Privileged? Most days, I wouldn't say I'm privileged, because most days I very am. I'm blinded like a persistent metal bat up side my dome, sitting down with my wrists limp on a keyboard, staring at myself. I should never be tired. Of all the privileges I have, I indulge in being "tired."

Of course, it is my own watered down version of being tired. Tired because I've poured obscene amounts of alcohol down my throat or tired because I have hated and judged so many of my peers and elders to a point where their very existence is "exhausting." 

My exhaustion that I keep so close, as if it has any value. As if it will do me or anyone around one ounce of good, one drop of progress or growth. All I have is to grow, I have no god, all I have are my small ideas about how I can get on top of this fucking mound of dirt I live on. 

In conclusion, stop being a lazy bitch Natalie.

strong heart, weak knees

Why I Must Be Careful? whatever you guys, more like Why You Make My Brain Explode Strange Delight.

How are you:

I'm okay, which is actually a good thing I think. Contented, not overly stimulated or bored.

How are your relationships:

Some could be better, some are. I'm trying to take the advice of my elders. Take things slow, have fun. Young people can get carried away in devising these grand romantic (platonic or not) alliances, restricting their minds and beliefs in order to have defined happiness. This is the time when we need to be taking risks, not with our hearts necessarily but our minds and preconceived notions of what we thought we were.

Why:

When you are alone, or single, nothing really holds you. Naturally, all we think about is ourselves and how others relate to us. With every single thing we do, how charitable or seemingly selfless, we are only concerned with one world: me. With a mate, we take on the responsibility, consciously or unconsciously, their ego and concern ourselves with how others view them. Alone this task can be weighty, especially when you are young. Another person could cause catastrophes daily. When people are overly dependent on other people, their self esteem is so low they can't bare the load and wish it on someone else. Overly confident people are fixated.

Society can all but try to penetrate our minds, but in reality (in its truest form) we are left completely to our own. I could go on about society and law and how we created them in our image so therefore blazy blah corruption  blah blah but I'm not going to. 

Why:

I'm attempting to explain something, but I'm not sure what exactly. I think people need to stare out the window at the trees being thrashed about in the wind and feel moved more. Nature scares me. I feel like its my constant companion, whether I like it or not. In the silence that almost always catches me, I can hear this earth and atmosphere, wrapping itself about my body, trapped. I want to escape to a sky scrapper and peer out the window with one eye. I have as of yet embraced this part of myself and I don't know when I'll be ready.

Why:

I try to talk to you, and I feel only a flattened, reduced size of my words reaches your ears. You wait patiently for the words that make you pull in but they just don't come. I finally have to leave, defeated, pretending to be unsure of my intentions.

My allergy diet has been going good. I decided to allow myself to eat meat because I don't wanna eat too much soy and I'm not fancy enough all the time to make complete protein meals. I don't think I'm allergic to meat anyway since I rarely eat it. 

Last nite was seeeiwww fun. I havn't played a 7-11 Dubs in a while, it felt like the days of Reynold's House's prime. I'm seeing how long I can not wash my hair. Don't kiss my head anytime soon.

Kevin and I are applying for a dishwashing gig at this resturant down the street. If niether of us get it, I'm officially quitting jobs for ever. It'll be okay, I'll just walk dogs for the rest of my life and piant flowers.

Today I don't give a shit. Tomorrow I probably will again, but I'm going to revel in this a little bit. I need to find a date to take to Enchanted forest, I was thinking a doctor or a lawyer with a BMW SUV. No, Mercedes SUV, hybrid.

Now i'm going to idealize the perfect guy for me to kill time while Kevin is on facebook. First, he must have a good sense of humor. Like, not someone who thinks funny things are funny, but could maybe keep a crowd going for a few minutes. Preferably, he'd have humor different from mine so we can still charm each other and not feel in competition for making jokes. Of course, though, we'll find each other funny and surprising.

As much as he'd like to, he gives me my space and refrains from mad PDA, which I hate. As I've learned from past relationships and little mistakes, we need to be friends first and foremost. Romantic relationships are different from friendships sure, but if you don't think your partner is particularly fun or cool to hang out with, no matter how many admiral attributes and skills they might have, the relationship will ultimately fail or make each other misreable.

Normally, I don't care how many drugs a person does or booze they pour like water down their throats, to each his own is my policy, but if he were ideal, he definitely would not smoke anything. For drinking habits, I want someone who can definitely have a few and get silly but not have a disposition or draw towards doing it very often. No alch's basically.

No haters. I love making fun of people for no reason every now and again, but there is close to nothing more annoying than someone who's got a beef for no good reason.

Please don't talk about the same thing all the time. No preteniousness either. Don;t like something for the sake of liking something because it's good to be well rounded, genuinely have interest in things, whatever they might be. I'd prefer a total bro over all those bearded indie twats running amouck in this city, mmm, probably why I don't date much...

Yeah, I said no haters but that last sentence was kinda bratty, sorry I'm human.

My ideal guy would not be shorter than me. Preferably a medium build. Physically that's all I can really ask at this point, looks are important but they don't last.

No scrubs. No scrappers.

I woke up feeling really lucid and hung over. Happy Easter, zombie christ has risen!

I've been having a pretty good staycation. I've gotten stupid drunk, hung out with my friends and got fresh sneakers with my dad!

I miss mimi waaaaah. 

Do I make mistakes sometimes? I don't know, it's hard to tell.

Mornin.

One thing I'm getting really good at is taking a beat. You stop, take a beat, and make that negative or habitual thought go away. I'm in love with these dumb pants I got.

I also love singing 90's R&B to myself.

OH MEW GAW.

I almost got fired yesterday, I ran this car into a wall and damaged the plastic bumper a little, luckily it was a rental and the guy didn't even notice. hopefully he had full coverage for it, which i suspect since he was an older guy, and rental car companies don't care about that shit anyway. SO MAYBE I'M OKAY WE SHALL SEE.

I just don't want to find another job, I need to be more careful when I'm driving a stranger's car. Also I cannot smoke any more weed, which is fine, but the other night i got a little high and it wasn't actually bad and for a sec I thought, "Natalie Pruett? smokin weed and bein okay?" But, you know, whatever cuz it's fucking weed and this is my job.

Other than that, I hope we can all go to San Fran next week. Nothing more I would like than to go  somewhere warm and wasted. Aw.

God dammit there's a gale about outside a god damn! I just want to go places and not freeze.

Well, besides all that shit I talked about, I'm doing pretty well. I wish I could see my family more. I want to make a big painting for my room, it's too boring. wow, when i don't have anything interesting to talk about, i don't.

I feel weird. I could barely run today I got shin splints owwwiieee. Even when it's cold out though, I want to run. Those headphones of Kevin's are great, I need to get my own, and my own ipod. I wish I didn't lose that last one at the gym.

When I run or ride my bike, I don't have to worry about anything else, just the task at hand. It's very comforting. I don't necessarily have a hard or complicated life, but I think everyone needs time to pull their self out of the unfolding drama and it from time to time and just be human. It's proven it makes you more efficient in other tasks when you focus very hard on one thing. I want to try meditating but it's really hard for me. 

Oh yeah, those two papers I'm supposed to be editing/finishing, cool.

Life Goals part une.

1. Be in a professional rap video.

2. Run a marathon(szszsss)

3. Be in a magazine 

4. Act

5. Fluent in french

6. Learn multiple instruments

this really is making me sound like a want to be a famous pop star, but I just wanna be expressive.

Fuck You Too!

I know I'm not supposed to wallow in my sorrows on this blog...but sometimes I'm not a very strong girl.

The best ambiguous analogy I can think of at this hour is I built this web I'm stuck to, and I hate spiders.

I wish it wasn't 1 am and i have to work in the morning, or I'd shred the drums while listening to Boris, or I'd ride my bike through quiet nieghborhoods and blow gum bubbles, or I'd go running and runnning farther and farther away. I got to sit here feeling crummy wishing someone was thinking of me in that way.

i'm glad i'm not drinking, i can pin point exact times when i would be, it's amusing but kind of sad, hopefully i'll have more perspective when i'm done with my dry spell.
waaaaaah waaaah.

LOVE LOCKDOWN

Or homework lockdown rather. I think my bout of silliness is over. I feel it was completely necessary to get fucked up a lot and run around making strange choices, but I now overwhelmingly wish to work on myself. For lent, I'm taking a vow of sobriety. Hopefully this will allow to pull some decent grades and lose those ten pounds I've been halfheartedly trying to lose. I'm going to at least pull part of my comic together this spring break. I haven't drawn a new comic in forever.

Next weekend I'm going to Anacortes with my best friends and seeing great bands for cheap! I'm really excited to leave the city limits, it's been awhile. 

I think next term is going to be challenging. Writing 122 is going to be a lot of fucking writing, but at least I'll be done after that. Public Speaking will be annoying as well, but I'll have Kevin in it. Biology is going to be a chore, like any science, again though my favorite Kevylar will be right next to me hooray! The only class I'm really excited about is group piano. Being surrounded by people who at least play one instrument (and very well) is difficult when I can barely carrying a tune.

Rain. Not okay. My birthday around the corner. Very okay.

I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow, It was nice when I got a check every week for doing nothing. But it's okay. 

I want to go south, I want to wander around in tank tops with my mind altered and meet new friends.

KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF MY BODY

Mmm, smell that? It's the smell of gender inequality! The subject of which is my paper! That I'm finally burning through!

I've been having too much fun lately and by default am behind in school. Missed a midterm, in-class essay, and now my other essay is seeeew late I don't know if I can still turn it in. It's really hard for me to write papers because I take them too seriously, even my writing teacher told me that. Also, I had the most insatiable appetite for destruction lately. I want booze, junk food and late night dance parties. These are all great, but not all the darn time. Anyway, the subject of injustice towards american women is kind of hard from my narrative standpoint. Picking this subject made me realize I've had it relatively easy. No sexual abuse (well, unwanted sexual abuse), no notable discriminations in the workplace, only some mild cat calls around town. I wanted to talk about the internal struggle more so. The preceived judgement that we all feel in public, regardless if it's really there or not.

In your heeeeaaaad, in your heeeeeeaaaaad.

For next term, I decided I'm taking group piano. And gym, gettin ripped and brainy.

I lost my first paycheck! Sucks! I have all my financial aid money but I will eventually need to use that to pay for actual school. God I wish I wasn't such a fuck-up, good thing i'm totally positive about life and everything! Go posi.

I am actually very happy right now. Life constantly is raining confusing shitballs when you are young, I see no point in dwelling on negative things. Don't get me wrong, I love learning about the horrors of our government and our charade of a capitalist society and the lists of inequalities facing people of the world everyday, but that doesn't mean I can't smile when I see someone trip or a cute puppy.

I wanted to start a new personal blog. My old blog was so, so sad. Really just a bummer. I want this one to be public and generally posi. Like check this out, in five minutes I'm going for a jog. I've completely lost my running pace, but I'm much stronger before when I was trying to run a lot. If there is anyone who wants to get in better shape and is a little unsure of how, I would suggest picking up some weights or doing some push-ups before you start trying to be a cardio-fat burning machine. Muscle gives you stability and you look hotter faster when you strength train. You burn fat easier with more muscle tone too.

I'm not afraid to say it. I would like to look hotter. AHAHAH. It feels good to say it out loud. I would also like to learn to play any sort of instrument. Every time I try to write something musical, I CAN'T. It's annoying, I have all these concepts in my head but no skills. Inner city deprived youth right here. 

So, Portland, let's have a talk. Stop pulling silly shit with me. What's with you folk who like to inflict drama on others? Leave it for yo mamma, leave it in the theater, leave it alone. Does anyone read the paper anymore? Or go to school? That stuff is pretty dramatic and actually important sometimes, why don't you try that.

Okay, I'm done. No judgement. I love all that wish to be loved.