it's hard to be overtaken by your body, when your mind just can't seem to muster up whatever kind of motivation and distraction to keep carrying on towards progress. maybe if i keep writing, if i keep asking myself questions and challenging my intellect i can find the words, and the meanings to match.
i hope i sleep okay. i shouldn't have taken that 2nd bump, but it's hard when you have it on you and you you reason out your excitement to feel that rush of focus and energy. I just have to exhaust myself. I feel like an absolute contradiction of the above paragraph, now i'm trying to overtake my body so i can rest. the brain is resilient though, it's hard to tire your brain if properly motivated.
staying up late feels like you capture more of the solitude it's hard to find in the day. maybe, your experience at night feels more focused by being covered in darkness and less busy consciousnesses buzzing by.
i want to capture more of what i want from life. it's s hard for me to sit still lately if i'm bored in the slightest . i feel myself getting meaner since i feel less and less tied to social obligations i previously prescribed good. rudeness happens sometimes, but i should watch myself before my friends start getting fed up with me. I need my friends, not as much as i used to, but i still need them and respect their persons enough to owe them common courtesies.
i just get frustrated with people sometimes. i want to tell them exactly what's wrong with them, but you can't do that to people cause they won't take it the right way if you say it so blatant. like myself, i need cohersing and convincing, finesse. my horoscope said i should stop jumping to conclusions. i suppose that's general enough to be true, but what if i'm just really right and i'm just too excited about being correct?
i want someone to tell me what's wrong with me.
i feel like the only things i do wrong lately is not be quite sure of what i want in relationships and therefore make these weird decisions and being rude. I can handle cooling the rudeness, but the other thing i hard. it's used to be just wanting intimacy or attention or validation. now i want that more... that hard to explain more thing that drives most everyone my age up the wall.
do i want that fun click thing? you meet someone and you guys just "totally" get each other or are (god oh god) "intrigued" by each other. so when this happens, what exactly does happened and should i really be interested in this at all or view it as legitimate of intentions? what does legitimate of intentions mean?
i guess since i don't plan on getting pregnant of married soon, and i see all of my friends and the media and art being constantly dragged back and forth by this thing, i just want to know its purpose, if any, in my life.
if i were to be completely reasonable i would have to say this thing has no business anywhere near me or my future. the most important things i want to see in my future is my continued growth artistically and as a fully formed citizen of the planet.
okay, let me try this one more time.
this companionship i spend a good chunk of my day discussing in one form or another. someone who gets assigned to this role, i suppose, is to give a more intimate and challenging form of support than a platonic friend can. they are suppose to be those rolls that aren't traditionally entrusted to just friends. for myself, this is good because it gives me a different form of interaction, of communication, that doesn't get stimulated.
it stills keeps circling back to me as a big ego pet: you get to try to love someone almost as much as you love yourself.
then i feel a need to ask myself why is this so a moral strife for me right now? is it so bad to want something so bad? well, i wouldn't say i want this so terribly, especially not in the same way i did before. maybe that says something to my character and personal experience, that the way i view finding a romantic partner is less stressful and that different qualities are desired in that person than before.
this shows a room for growth, a new way to open myself up t life. Therefore, i feel validated enough in trying to find a cute boy to hold hands with as to not impose too much on more pressing issues to my personal growth. phew.
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