I'll be glad when this month is over. new house will be set up, new roommate in place, school started, comfortable at job, financial aid coming. I also feel really creative lately, all I want to do is make more paintings.
astrology freaks me out. i just did a birth chart and it's very accurate. something interesting it said was i like to befriend those who seems hindered or troubled in some way, i'm very sensitive to people's energy, which can be a bad a good thing, so i'm very empathic of those who seem to have a deeper story to their character. this is soooo true. all of my close friends and the people i feel most drawn to people have had substantially traumatic life experiences or difficult adolescence. i realized this but i never did this on purpose, like i'm attracted to "damaged goods" or something. Just something that tends to happen. I think i've been treating people who i want to be romantic with differently than i would people i choose as my friends. i think sexual energy is so strong and confusing, it can make the process of determining if someone is suited to me unclear. It makes people "settle" in a sense. Even if they are settling on someone really attractive without really knowing them (and when does that ever happen huh!).
Sexual energy has nowhere to go, you can't transform or work through it like sadness or anger. You just push it aside or masturbate, and a lot of time that doesn't really cut it, more like it barely takes the edge off. If young people weren't predisposed to have heightened sex drives, think of all the shit we could get done. lesbian, straight gay, we're all wired that way regardless if anything becomes of it (like a bebe).
I do wish society in general was less suppressive of sexuality, and it's gotten better, but then I see this drawback because of it. Our youth is getting the butt of all our sexual confusion. Millions of children are destroyed by sexual abuse stemming from adults and older adolescents misguided interpretations of their sexual rights and suppressed urges. Porn is a fucking empire (literally) and mainstream entertainment has been well aware that throwing some risk-ay content here and there can help make money. No wonder religious fanatics are just that, completely frustrated and disgusted by the amount of rush, unfiltered sex that reaches their children and themselves.
the best solution i can come up with is more self love, in all forms. i would be much more at peace (and they would be too) if more religions accepted masturbation. it's hard for people who aren't religious to admit they like jacking it or even have. it puts a very strong image in a person's mind, the scenario in which a person finds themselves masturbating is often casual, alone and therefore seemingly pathetic. Its a harsh word for it, but sure you could call it pathetic from a view. You do it (usually) when your alone and your not getting it from someone else. But everyone masturbates, even a fucking supermodel does. Maybe not as much as the white overweight guy playing halo in his parent's basement after his shift at Best Buy, but everyone does it.
I want other kinds of self love to be okay, the more mental kind. Like, the fat dude playig halo probably has lower self esteem than a leggy model, and probably experiences some guilt or "pathetic" feelings afterwards. It would help if he realized that everyone does it, but it would also help if he realized what he subconsciously already did. We have the luxury, not the burden, to not have to find a companion or have one at all times. We associate singleness with being alone, when we fail to look around at the relationships we have or can create. Also that, we are always going to be alone.
I believe this because I think the sexual self is somewhat separate from the everyday, present self. Example, the most "normal" people can have some fucked up kinks and fetishes, and weirdos can have an affinity for vanilla sex. The only value I can see in a romantic partner is that they see and experience both sides of someone. It's interesting but I don't think it necessarily builds a better understanding or someone by having a more complete image of someone. it's just a faucet of someone's individuality, at the point when they are expressing their deepest pleasure.
And pleasure? Random, silly, disgusting shit makes me laugh, gives me pleasure, I feel sexuality also picks and chooses what gets someone's batteries charge, determined by their DNA and their life experiences. This is why I feel romantic relationships are overrated in this sense, putting too much validness on sex. I've had sex with people I barely knew, and it didn't make me want to get to know them better nor deter it. All it made me want to do was either have sex with them again or not.
I hope I'm not making sex look unimportant or should be ignored in some way, that would contradict my earlier point completely. I just wished people would realize that a lot of these romantic tugs people get are more directed towards their genitals or can be channeled that way as to avoid the rat race finding a partner can be. Putting more work into having deeper friendships can deflect feelings of being alone or not understood. Finding a partner doesn't mean you two suddenly fuse like atoms and you are more than yourself, you are "we" (and a lot of people like to think this happens.).
I try to put myself in a better place everyday, a place of self love and peace. When I happen to meet someone they are meeting me as a whole person and I would hope for the same.
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