"hi puppy"

I'm not going to yoga because my stomach is bugging me because mimi and i got totes weed wasted and ate a pizza last night with giant garlic cloves all over it. Twas noms.

This was executed at Sydney Kim's apartment after watching The Room, probably the most ridiculous movie I've ever seen, and during Twlight, the 2nd most ridiculous movie I've ever seen.

I'm really excited for my acupuncture appointment today, hopefully it will...y'know...work.

Me wants video cam asap.

it just makes me feel a little rejected. things like this hit you right in your mega ego, that being the state of mind we like to pretend we don't have (or we do?). We are the center of the universe and so awesome and enchanting that coming in our general vicinity causes such a gravitational pull you'd be ill not to have a chance to spend time basking in the aura of "me"

i felt like, totally wooed. but i can move on, because i have to. i now have to be lenient  towards my ego. now go outside it's beautiful.

Favorite Directors:

Julian Schnabel 

Pedro Almodovar

Paul Thomas Anderson

Sam Mendes

Before Night Falls is winning as my favorite movie. It's so loving, when I watch it it makes me want to live with passion.

Yoga and Pilates have been good, intense but good. It's nice to have a reason to wake up in the morning most days, and it makes those days you can stay up late drinking look even better. I love the control I feel when doing either.

I feel weird every fucking day this week!!

All I wanna do is listen to Nas. It's like that, <>

I was too late to go to yoga, so I went to the computer lab to attempt some thought retrieval.

Natalie, why do you feel weird:

I think it's because I havn't been getting quality sleep because I've been too anxious, I think I am actually still allergic to something I'm eating, probably gluten but I really need to get that checked out. My legs just feel all funny and anxious and my shoulder keeps bugging me.

How will you fix this:

Stop eating gluten again, and get acupuncture to help with my anxious feelings and my shoulder.

Is it deeper than physical dilemmas:

Maybe a little. It's very hard to tell. I think I feel like kind of a loser lately, not making quality use of all this free time I have. I should really talk to lana about nanny jobs and do some volunteer work. I gotta lay off the dope, it makes me sooooo lazy. I don't like being sedentary anymore, it's partly physical but my mind is also always pushing myself to do more and I can't turn it off.


My friend looked at me to tell me a funny story
I've already heard it but I let her talk
Her eyes are light with anticipation
Mine are the same
She uses her hands and timing
To make my time listening to her
What its worth
Then I laugh
And she laughs
I mention she's told this story before
We hum to a comfortable silence

My poetry is whack dawg.

God damn, I love Illmatic, it is such a good fucking album.

I just want someone to be excited about, to spend a few hours a day with. Unfortunately, lfie has shown me if you want it too much it never comes in the good way, you just have to be open and yourself to others and hope, maybe one or two, will see appreciable qualities.

I'm going to paint my clothes and tan today.

yesterday was surprisingly fun and growing. my sister and i had a lot of time to chat, i told how i totally heart weed now and she, who has been smoking everyday for like five years, was understanding and happy to share that with me, since we don't share much besides being egotistical comedians (or what we liken ourselves to be).

i don't take comedy as seriously as she does though. i miss performing though, it's really fun and gratifying. it wouldn't even have to be funny whatever i do. i should ask her about trying out for things. 

I feel exceptionally inspired by life, for the most part.

Today I want to fiddle around with my paints and play tennis because sports are fun and good for the economy.

my shoulder hurts.

looking out over the skidmore bluffs was pleasing last night. i thought a couple hits would have been enough but i could have handled a few more, my shoulder kept hurting.

So I took a bunch of mushrooms at the naked bike ride and had the most amazing trip of my life and reached a new level consciousness. no bigs.

While coming down, I kind of decided I should stop drinking. That decision makes so much sense in terms of what I want to achieve with my life, but god how hard does it sound. I think I'm just going to stop drinking to get drunk for a while. Which, in order to be successful, means probably not drinking at all for a while.

All of my problems revolve around alcohol I realized. I do it all in order to have a good time. If I took that energy and focused it on other ways to have fun, I could get so much more done. I don't want to say I will never drink again because life is too long to think such things. Basically, I want to take myself more seriously.

I'm sorry for being mean to zack and sleeping with so many guys, i owe it all to drinking. every time I've gotten severely mad at my friends it's because they were drunk and i wasn't and I found them too irritating.

I realized last night all the messages I was sending myself, trying to guide me along to the right decisions and choices. It was a big fucking epiphany. the whole night, the time frame, the series of events made it all finally click. i know what i have to do know, it's all a matter of putting it into action.

i think it comes to a point for everyone when they finally stop ignoring their dreams. my new goal while doing this is to keep an upbeat, light attitude. i'm going to start taking myself and my life very fucking seriously, that doesn't mean though i can't dance and joke with my friends, and learn about new silly ways to spend my time enjoying life.

To make this day matter I have to do these things:

Take a shower

Go for a run

Clean my room

Make food

Meet up with boy

I'm getting more and more convinced I have a gluten allergy! My skin is driving me bonkers.

Early?

Being monetarily sound almost feels good as a good night's sleep. I still have this guilt that I should try to get a job, but whaaaaaaat job? The best thing that could happen this summer is I can buy a video camera or borrow my sister's and go on some sort of vacation. I hope I hang out with that boy again, he was cute.

I'm excited to start running again. I'm not going to overexert myself this time, I wanna keep doing it consistently now.

summmaaaahhhteim

I don't have internet at my house anymore and it's hot as ballz all the time now. I like after those first initial hot weeks of summer people get sick of their summer frocks at put on there pants again. my body gave a me a little reality check after kevin's 21st, it got sick. i feel better today, just a little congested. 

i know lana doesn't try to judge me, but we have such different mentalities right now when it comes to relationships and lifestyle choices I know she can't help feel a little more mature. It's true though, I'm kicking it pretty hard these days. I just feel very blessed and free these days. when i was with zack i felt so trapped. now i think it's time for me to stop reveling in the change my life has made and simply try to live good. In a way, make more mature choices like go easy on the booze and try to be productive this summer.

I really hope something comes from this etsy shop idea. i'm still a little sketched out by it, online communities just sound so ghey. i'm sure if i look at it more it won't seem as dumb. 

every season has things to offer me. for summer it has its long warm nights and lack of responsibility. therefore i should take advantage of it. sometimes i get afraid i like having fun too much. like being too promiscuous or getting tattered every night. i guess i have to trust myself not to overindulge. a real job would help add some level of responsibility but god do i hate jobs. i just wanna be my own boss, that's why i hope this etsy thing works.