the best love is unrequited, because it never had a chance to fail:

What a weekend.

More so, my weekends feel like my week, because they are all I care about. This sentence feels true because I love my friends and I'm getting really good and not giving a shit, which means having a lot of fun.

by letting myself be eaten up by reality, i feel myself farther from it. well, i guess that isn't fair to say, because by my version of being eaten by reality is being fucked up on something every night.  being fucked up on endless silly joy. 

I cracked one of my brain's codes. I think?

Where do you begin asking yourself the most important questions you could ever answer. when i feel wrong i want to ask myself them, maybe then i can take myself seriously. 

it's hard to be overtaken by your body, when your mind just can't seem to muster up whatever kind of motivation and distraction to keep carrying on towards progress. maybe if i keep writing, if i keep asking myself questions and challenging my intellect i can find the words, and the meanings to match.

i hope i sleep okay. i shouldn't have taken that 2nd bump, but it's hard when you have it on you and you you reason out your excitement to feel that rush of focus and energy. I just have to exhaust myself. I feel like an absolute contradiction of the above paragraph, now i'm trying to overtake my body so i can rest. the brain is resilient though, it's hard to tire your brain if properly motivated.

staying up late feels like you capture more of the solitude it's hard to find in the day. maybe, your experience at night feels more focused by being covered in darkness and less busy consciousnesses buzzing by. 

i want to capture more of what i want from life. it's s hard for me to sit still lately if i'm bored in the slightest . i feel myself getting meaner since i feel less and less tied to social obligations i previously prescribed good. rudeness happens sometimes, but i should watch myself before my friends start getting fed up with me. I need my friends, not as much as i used to, but i still need them and respect their persons enough to owe them common courtesies. 

i just get frustrated with people sometimes. i want to tell them exactly what's wrong with them, but you can't do that to people cause they won't take it the right way if you say it so blatant. like myself, i need cohersing and convincing, finesse. my horoscope said i should stop jumping to conclusions. i suppose that's general enough to be true, but what if i'm just really right and i'm just too excited about being correct?

i want someone to tell me what's wrong with me.

i feel like the only things i do wrong lately is not be quite sure of what i want in relationships and therefore make these weird decisions and being rude. I can handle cooling the rudeness, but the other thing i hard. it's used to be just wanting intimacy or attention or validation. now i want that more... that hard to explain more thing that drives most everyone my age up the wall. 

do i want that fun click thing? you meet someone and you guys just "totally" get each other or are (god oh god) "intrigued" by each other. so when this happens, what exactly does happened and should i really be interested in this at all or view it as legitimate of intentions? what does legitimate of intentions mean?

i guess since i don't plan on getting pregnant of married soon, and i see all of my friends and the media and art being constantly dragged back and forth by this thing, i just want to know its purpose, if any, in my life.

if i were to be completely reasonable i would have to say this thing has no business anywhere near me or my future. the most important things i want to see in my future is my continued growth artistically and as a fully formed citizen of the planet. 

okay, let me try this one more time.

this companionship i spend a good chunk of my day discussing in one form or another. someone who gets assigned to this role, i suppose, is to give a more intimate and challenging form of support than a platonic friend can. they are suppose to be those rolls that aren't traditionally entrusted to just friends. for myself, this is good because it gives me a different form of interaction, of communication, that doesn't get stimulated.

it stills keeps circling back to me as a big ego pet: you get to try to love someone almost as much as you love yourself.

then i feel a need to ask myself why is this so a moral strife for me right now? is it so bad to want something so bad? well, i wouldn't say i want this so terribly, especially not in the same way i did before. maybe that says something to my character and personal experience, that the way i view finding a romantic partner is less stressful and that different qualities are desired in that person than before.

this shows a room for growth, a new way to open myself up t life. Therefore, i feel validated enough in trying to find a cute boy to hold hands with as to not impose too much on more pressing issues to my personal growth. phew.

I feel so young lately. 

This movie is interesting. I like it because it shows people being plagued by their own problems and trying to figure out how tot fix them, but them imposing similar pain on those around them they find "inferior" or challenged. This is true. People don't connect their behaviour to things in their life seemingly unconnected. But, if it is in your life it is always connected. 

Ego is blinding for some people. 

"i'm ready to surrender"

Let's shake my dome and see what comes out.

My morning has been filled with filling out forms, being ineligible and losing money and opportunities for it; a beautiful bureaucratic day in the United States of NO.

Well, as they say: whatever fuck it dewd.

I'm completely stickin it to the man this weekend by getting plastered and not reporting my yard sale on my taxes as taxable income. I'm also going to work on my paper and go for a jog before it gets too hot out; and it's already pretty comfy out.

I shouldn't be too worried about getting a job, but jesus christ would it be nice not to live off my savings for awhile and actually save some of that money for a vacation this summer. If I had half as much determination as I should I could create a living for myself. Who says I'm not determined? Only dumb old M-E that's who. Well Natalie, that's fucking bullshit. Get creative.

I'm pretty sure I don't have any heaven to look forward to, so I better start living right the fuck now. How amazingly monotonous I've let my life get. I've let myself become a prisoner to my social aptitude, which is a facade anyway, like my Hello Kitty back pack. My goal today is to be a brave-ass babe.

Lately, I've been comparing the pros and cons of going nowhere and somewhere. It seems, to me, that going anywhere at all is better than going nowhere and looking out at the world, judging places at face value. Is a place better because it is so far away? A little over a hundred years ago people were lucky to travel fifty miles away from their home, much less across half the world. And yet beautiful pieces of art and literature were still able to flourish from all over this big dumb place called Earth.

Then there's this even more dumb thing called the internet that just hemorrhaged knowledge into every crack of a town there is. Like anything too vast and varied to properly qualify, the internet has been the savior of many thirsty for new data, previously unattainable, and the final sledge hammer to reputable popular Western culture. Basically what I'm getting at is isolation is pretty hard to come by, so much so that it seems mythical and therefore frightening to me.

I need to work on not going on so many tangents.

It's my blog whatever fuck it dewd.

Qualitative;

the 1st happiest moment in my life was getting on my high school dance team, my 2nd was my first orgasm, and my 3rd was my second time taking mushrooms.

When I think about America, I mostly recall the word "opportunity." 

Being born here, I have an infinite amount of options and roads I could take. Most people in other places have the same options, but they have to do a hell of a lot more to get where I can in half the time. 

I sit next to people at school, walk past them on the street and sip coffee next to them, only they have traveled a million miles more to get where I am. 

Privileged? Most days, I wouldn't say I'm privileged, because most days I very am. I'm blinded like a persistent metal bat up side my dome, sitting down with my wrists limp on a keyboard, staring at myself. I should never be tired. Of all the privileges I have, I indulge in being "tired."

Of course, it is my own watered down version of being tired. Tired because I've poured obscene amounts of alcohol down my throat or tired because I have hated and judged so many of my peers and elders to a point where their very existence is "exhausting." 

My exhaustion that I keep so close, as if it has any value. As if it will do me or anyone around one ounce of good, one drop of progress or growth. All I have is to grow, I have no god, all I have are my small ideas about how I can get on top of this fucking mound of dirt I live on. 

In conclusion, stop being a lazy bitch Natalie.

strong heart, weak knees

Why I Must Be Careful? whatever you guys, more like Why You Make My Brain Explode Strange Delight.

How are you:

I'm okay, which is actually a good thing I think. Contented, not overly stimulated or bored.

How are your relationships:

Some could be better, some are. I'm trying to take the advice of my elders. Take things slow, have fun. Young people can get carried away in devising these grand romantic (platonic or not) alliances, restricting their minds and beliefs in order to have defined happiness. This is the time when we need to be taking risks, not with our hearts necessarily but our minds and preconceived notions of what we thought we were.

Why:

When you are alone, or single, nothing really holds you. Naturally, all we think about is ourselves and how others relate to us. With every single thing we do, how charitable or seemingly selfless, we are only concerned with one world: me. With a mate, we take on the responsibility, consciously or unconsciously, their ego and concern ourselves with how others view them. Alone this task can be weighty, especially when you are young. Another person could cause catastrophes daily. When people are overly dependent on other people, their self esteem is so low they can't bare the load and wish it on someone else. Overly confident people are fixated.

Society can all but try to penetrate our minds, but in reality (in its truest form) we are left completely to our own. I could go on about society and law and how we created them in our image so therefore blazy blah corruption  blah blah but I'm not going to. 

Why:

I'm attempting to explain something, but I'm not sure what exactly. I think people need to stare out the window at the trees being thrashed about in the wind and feel moved more. Nature scares me. I feel like its my constant companion, whether I like it or not. In the silence that almost always catches me, I can hear this earth and atmosphere, wrapping itself about my body, trapped. I want to escape to a sky scrapper and peer out the window with one eye. I have as of yet embraced this part of myself and I don't know when I'll be ready.

Why:

I try to talk to you, and I feel only a flattened, reduced size of my words reaches your ears. You wait patiently for the words that make you pull in but they just don't come. I finally have to leave, defeated, pretending to be unsure of my intentions.

My allergy diet has been going good. I decided to allow myself to eat meat because I don't wanna eat too much soy and I'm not fancy enough all the time to make complete protein meals. I don't think I'm allergic to meat anyway since I rarely eat it.