This is probably the worst people situation I have ever been in. It doesn't help that the forecast looks really discouraging for all parties involved. my head is killing me. i used to say i want this month to be over, now i kind of want this year to be over.

i don't want to throw up my hands and give up, but i feel like i kind of have to in some aspects. today sucks.

blah blah sex blah blah

Moving into new house. I like it, but now I've realized it takes a couple months before you feel really comfortable. I'm excited not to have to deal with a management company anymore. I hope mimi can figure out something to do with her bed... i hope she'll realize it wont fit at all upstairs. 

I'll be glad when this month is over. new house will be set up, new roommate in place, school started, comfortable at job, financial aid coming. I also feel really creative lately, all I want to do is make more paintings. 

astrology freaks me out. i just did a birth chart and it's very accurate. something interesting it said was i like to befriend those who seems hindered or troubled in some way, i'm very sensitive to people's energy, which can be a bad a good thing, so i'm very empathic of those who seem to have a deeper story to their character. this is soooo true. all of my close friends and the people i feel most drawn to people have had substantially traumatic life experiences or difficult adolescence. i realized this but i never did this on purpose, like i'm attracted to "damaged goods" or something. Just something that tends to happen. I think i've been treating people who i want to be romantic with differently than i would people i choose as my friends. i think sexual energy is so strong and confusing, it can make the process of determining if someone is suited to me unclear. It makes people "settle" in a sense. Even if they are settling on someone really attractive without really knowing them (and when does that ever happen huh!). 

Sexual energy has nowhere to go, you can't transform or work through it like sadness or anger. You just push it aside or masturbate, and a lot of time that doesn't really cut it, more like it barely takes the edge off. If young people weren't predisposed to have heightened sex drives, think of all the shit we could get done. lesbian, straight gay, we're all wired that way regardless if anything becomes of it (like a bebe). 

I do wish society in general was less suppressive of sexuality, and it's gotten better, but then I see this drawback because of it. Our youth is getting the butt of all our sexual confusion. Millions of children are destroyed by sexual abuse stemming from adults and older adolescents misguided interpretations of their sexual rights and suppressed urges. Porn is a fucking empire (literally) and mainstream entertainment has been well aware that throwing some risk-ay content here and there can help make money. No wonder religious fanatics are just that, completely frustrated and disgusted by the amount of rush, unfiltered sex that reaches their children and themselves. 

the best solution i can come up with is more self love, in all forms. i would be much more at peace (and they would be too) if more religions accepted masturbation. it's hard for people who aren't religious to admit they like jacking it or even have. it puts a very strong image in a person's mind, the scenario in which a person finds themselves masturbating is often casual, alone and therefore seemingly pathetic. Its a harsh word for it, but sure you could call it pathetic from a view. You do it (usually) when your alone and your not getting it from someone else. But everyone masturbates, even a fucking supermodel does. Maybe not as much as the white overweight guy playing halo in his parent's basement after his shift at Best Buy, but everyone does it.

I want other kinds of self love to be okay, the more mental kind. Like, the fat dude playig halo probably has lower self esteem than a leggy model, and probably experiences some guilt or "pathetic" feelings afterwards. It would help if he realized that everyone does it, but it would also help if he realized what he subconsciously already did. We have the luxury, not the burden, to not have to find a companion or have one at all times. We associate singleness with being alone, when we fail to look around at the relationships we have or can create. Also that, we are always going to be alone. 

I believe this because I think the sexual self is somewhat separate from the everyday, present self. Example, the most "normal" people can have some fucked up kinks and fetishes, and weirdos can have an affinity for vanilla sex. The only value I can see in a romantic partner is that they see and experience both sides of someone. It's interesting but I don't think it necessarily builds a better understanding or someone by having a more complete image of someone. it's just a faucet of someone's individuality, at the point when they are expressing their deepest pleasure.

And pleasure? Random, silly, disgusting shit makes me laugh, gives me pleasure, I feel sexuality also picks and chooses what gets someone's batteries charge, determined by their DNA and their life experiences. This is why I feel romantic relationships are overrated in this sense, putting too much validness on sex. I've had sex with people I barely knew, and it didn't make me want to get to know them better nor deter it. All it made me want to do was either have sex with them again or not.

I hope I'm not making sex look unimportant or should be ignored in some way, that would contradict my earlier point completely. I just wished people would realize that a lot of these romantic tugs people get are more directed towards their genitals or can be channeled that way as to avoid the rat race finding a partner can be. Putting more work into having deeper friendships can deflect feelings of being alone or not understood. Finding a partner doesn't mean you two suddenly fuse like atoms and you are more than yourself, you are "we" (and a lot of people like to think this happens.). 

I try to put myself in a better place everyday, a place of self love and peace. When I happen to meet someone they are meeting me as a whole person and I would hope for the same.

sleep to dream to wake up

sometimes when i wake up i really wish i hadn't. not that i wish i'd died mysteriously in the night, drifting off into oblivion, never having to raise an eye or an ear to this monotonous existence. more so, i wish i never went to sleep in the first place. the padding time between sleep is so annoying to me i wish it didn't exist in at all.  wish life needed no known period of prolonged recharge, only a sprinkle of ten to fifteen minutes naps and constructive times, like waiting for the bus or your food to be brought out. 

i try not to stress out about sleep, but because it is apparently so important for the rest of my body's functions, i can't help but to give a few moments to its "rituals." pajamas, toothbrushing, pillows. Every once in a while i love to pass out in my clothes, however constricting, in places not commonly known  as beds. bar patio floors, sidewalks, cars, chairs to name a few places i've rested. a boozy nap mid sentence at a party? you really haven't sleep, no, lived until you've tried it. the best thing about it is how completely natural it seems. sometimes when i spend literally hours drinking soothing teas, flossing my teeth, reading the most boring book i can find and finally after my sleep mask is on and my socks are slipped off all i can do is think about complicated sexual scenarios with a guy i was behind in the coffee line this morning or how many calories i consumed in the day. as if all the nervous ticks i'd been stuffing down during the day came bubbling up. too much shit happens during a day, even for a seasoned recluse, your mind begins building brick after brick a leaning tower of regret and reprocessed wishes.

please don't get the idea i'm some sort of anxiety bomb waiting to drop. nor am i some drunk complaining about the few times i don't fall asleep in a booze coma. maybe the latter has a scrap of truth to it, but only because it's summer and it's just the thing to do. be a drunk a i mean.

i've tried pills and different pillows, sleeping with commited partners and complete strangers, but i think it's bigger than that. it all correlates back to what i did that day, what i ate how much activity i got, who i talked to. after a day of seeing mostly the same colors and sounds i can't help but reach out and ask for more once i'm horizontal and nearing the early morning. is this process of sleep trying to tell me something? should i be reveling in the sublimity of now rather than trying to run back up the escalator?

i guess so, i guess so. that seems to be the point i'm crawling my digits to. it's kind of like with smoking or biting your fingernails or any vice: you can only stop once you really don't want it, once the weight of the cons finally weighs out the pros. sometimes it kind of feels like i'm giving up on life by dozing off for seven or eight hours, like i wish i could get those waking hours back for more play. but i do, this is what i don't realize. life is the same fucking shit everyday and all us trying to get it right. sleep is when someone shuffles my deck around so it's ready for me in the morning. life is my 2nd chance, my 3rd, 20th,150th, 8,768th. the sooner i can put aside my day dreaming, my calorie counting, the sooner i can fuck this shit up one more time.

horoscopes are crazy! how do the stars and planets control everything!?!?!

My three hour nap yesterday pretty much guaranteed that I wouldn't sleep soundly last night. I woke up around six from vivid, startling dreams. My body was over-rested, there was nothing left to exhaust myself to sleep, yet I was still drowsy, maybe just out of habit.

I need to figure out my job situation. If that job at meagan's work doesn't come through, I'm going to have to get more proactive, which would be bad because...I don't like most jobs. I'm pretty bad at them. I just want to go to school, maybe my mom will give me money. I want experience though, but doing what and where?

So, I'm going to move into this new house. It's not that my house is a bad situation, and I don't want to put a lot of blame for my lack of productiveness on it, but a change would be good. I really must promise myself that I'll actually be active creatively while I live here. More and more I think moving to another city in a couple years would be good for me, maybe look at different schools. I'm going to keep it in mind, but I will also still consider PSU. Financially, something pretty lucky would have to happen for me to be able to move anywhere.

My horoscope really comforted me yesterday, to the point I kind of started crying. I feel like I could have accomplished more in the last couple years, I know I could have, but I am also aware of how far I've come. Maybe I didn't do a lot creatively or academically, but I grew emotionally by leaps and bounds. I live with a much more responsible and open heart than ever before, with less fear but more caution. 

One thing I'm proud of is how consistently active I've become. I still want to become stronger but I definitely see improvement. 

God, my head feels so strange, I need to go to yoga. I feel like I'm constantly dreaming, like I never really go to sleep, never really wake up. I'm able to function, get enough things done. Something in my head keeps wanting after I decide to sleep. Like a curdling feeling in my stomach; like I left the oven on, the door unlocked, the garage open in my head. I try not to freak out about my future, about how people perceive me, sometimes it catches up with me when I least expect it. 

My head is...eck i can't even explain it very well. 

Kissin on the deep side, I sleep with eyes who lied

Today seems like it's going to be pretty awesome. Finding new (to me) hip hop, going to the farmer's market right quick, gym. Last night was eye opening to say the least. Everyone has their secrets, again, to say the least. It's frankly hard for me to type the words of what I now know. It is very much real to me, I do not deny or dispute it, it is just one of the biggest pills of reality I've had in a while. It sort of dwarfs all the small little "occurrences" my friends and I have been experiencing. Perspective perspective perspective. 

"it's like jungle sometimes it makes me wonder,  that god must be one sick mutha fucker, so i bust a nut in a sky spend another day, waiting to die" - Mickey Avalon Waiting to Die

Speak too soon...

I waaaas sooo waaaasteeeeed. I figured out why I'm so accommodating of megan right now, because I've been doing the same thing for all my girlfriends this year. Everybody broke up, including me and I really appreciated having my girlfriends by my side, even if the only way they could comfort me was just being in my presence, reminding me of reality.