sleep to dream to wake up

sometimes when i wake up i really wish i hadn't. not that i wish i'd died mysteriously in the night, drifting off into oblivion, never having to raise an eye or an ear to this monotonous existence. more so, i wish i never went to sleep in the first place. the padding time between sleep is so annoying to me i wish it didn't exist in at all.  wish life needed no known period of prolonged recharge, only a sprinkle of ten to fifteen minutes naps and constructive times, like waiting for the bus or your food to be brought out. 

i try not to stress out about sleep, but because it is apparently so important for the rest of my body's functions, i can't help but to give a few moments to its "rituals." pajamas, toothbrushing, pillows. Every once in a while i love to pass out in my clothes, however constricting, in places not commonly known  as beds. bar patio floors, sidewalks, cars, chairs to name a few places i've rested. a boozy nap mid sentence at a party? you really haven't sleep, no, lived until you've tried it. the best thing about it is how completely natural it seems. sometimes when i spend literally hours drinking soothing teas, flossing my teeth, reading the most boring book i can find and finally after my sleep mask is on and my socks are slipped off all i can do is think about complicated sexual scenarios with a guy i was behind in the coffee line this morning or how many calories i consumed in the day. as if all the nervous ticks i'd been stuffing down during the day came bubbling up. too much shit happens during a day, even for a seasoned recluse, your mind begins building brick after brick a leaning tower of regret and reprocessed wishes.

please don't get the idea i'm some sort of anxiety bomb waiting to drop. nor am i some drunk complaining about the few times i don't fall asleep in a booze coma. maybe the latter has a scrap of truth to it, but only because it's summer and it's just the thing to do. be a drunk a i mean.

i've tried pills and different pillows, sleeping with commited partners and complete strangers, but i think it's bigger than that. it all correlates back to what i did that day, what i ate how much activity i got, who i talked to. after a day of seeing mostly the same colors and sounds i can't help but reach out and ask for more once i'm horizontal and nearing the early morning. is this process of sleep trying to tell me something? should i be reveling in the sublimity of now rather than trying to run back up the escalator?

i guess so, i guess so. that seems to be the point i'm crawling my digits to. it's kind of like with smoking or biting your fingernails or any vice: you can only stop once you really don't want it, once the weight of the cons finally weighs out the pros. sometimes it kind of feels like i'm giving up on life by dozing off for seven or eight hours, like i wish i could get those waking hours back for more play. but i do, this is what i don't realize. life is the same fucking shit everyday and all us trying to get it right. sleep is when someone shuffles my deck around so it's ready for me in the morning. life is my 2nd chance, my 3rd, 20th,150th, 8,768th. the sooner i can put aside my day dreaming, my calorie counting, the sooner i can fuck this shit up one more time.

horoscopes are crazy! how do the stars and planets control everything!?!?!

My three hour nap yesterday pretty much guaranteed that I wouldn't sleep soundly last night. I woke up around six from vivid, startling dreams. My body was over-rested, there was nothing left to exhaust myself to sleep, yet I was still drowsy, maybe just out of habit.

I need to figure out my job situation. If that job at meagan's work doesn't come through, I'm going to have to get more proactive, which would be bad because...I don't like most jobs. I'm pretty bad at them. I just want to go to school, maybe my mom will give me money. I want experience though, but doing what and where?

So, I'm going to move into this new house. It's not that my house is a bad situation, and I don't want to put a lot of blame for my lack of productiveness on it, but a change would be good. I really must promise myself that I'll actually be active creatively while I live here. More and more I think moving to another city in a couple years would be good for me, maybe look at different schools. I'm going to keep it in mind, but I will also still consider PSU. Financially, something pretty lucky would have to happen for me to be able to move anywhere.

My horoscope really comforted me yesterday, to the point I kind of started crying. I feel like I could have accomplished more in the last couple years, I know I could have, but I am also aware of how far I've come. Maybe I didn't do a lot creatively or academically, but I grew emotionally by leaps and bounds. I live with a much more responsible and open heart than ever before, with less fear but more caution. 

One thing I'm proud of is how consistently active I've become. I still want to become stronger but I definitely see improvement. 

God, my head feels so strange, I need to go to yoga. I feel like I'm constantly dreaming, like I never really go to sleep, never really wake up. I'm able to function, get enough things done. Something in my head keeps wanting after I decide to sleep. Like a curdling feeling in my stomach; like I left the oven on, the door unlocked, the garage open in my head. I try not to freak out about my future, about how people perceive me, sometimes it catches up with me when I least expect it. 

My head is...eck i can't even explain it very well. 

Kissin on the deep side, I sleep with eyes who lied

Today seems like it's going to be pretty awesome. Finding new (to me) hip hop, going to the farmer's market right quick, gym. Last night was eye opening to say the least. Everyone has their secrets, again, to say the least. It's frankly hard for me to type the words of what I now know. It is very much real to me, I do not deny or dispute it, it is just one of the biggest pills of reality I've had in a while. It sort of dwarfs all the small little "occurrences" my friends and I have been experiencing. Perspective perspective perspective. 

"it's like jungle sometimes it makes me wonder,  that god must be one sick mutha fucker, so i bust a nut in a sky spend another day, waiting to die" - Mickey Avalon Waiting to Die