Speak too soon...

I waaaas sooo waaaasteeeeed. I figured out why I'm so accommodating of megan right now, because I've been doing the same thing for all my girlfriends this year. Everybody broke up, including me and I really appreciated having my girlfriends by my side, even if the only way they could comfort me was just being in my presence, reminding me of reality. 

Controlled Empathy.

After some wrong turns (about an extra hours' worth) we got to Washougal Falls. It kinda makes the Sandy look exactly like the toilet it is but I wish it had actual sand than rocks. Megan practice swimming and I practice hiding my pubic hair under the little bottoms I borrowed from her. Her and Paris are some couple, for how much longer I can't say. Watching them interact is the most confusing thing ever.

It looks a little better in prospects regarding that non-platonic relationships, the platonic are doing pretty good too. I still need to work on my shyness, it only happens sometimes but it shouldn't really happen when it does. Old habits are hard to break? weird?

Crying dudes in suits kill me

Waltz With Bashir was very good and very sad. I enjoyed how the story was built, this middle aged man trying to recover memories from the traumatic time he spent in the Israeli army during the Lebanon War, visiting his old comrades and gathering memories and flashbacks along the way. The end is very graphic but completely appropriate and you see very vividly why this man had repressed these thoughts for so long. After twenty long years though, he wants, maybe needs, to return and reflect. This is why I put so much trust in time.

I must admit, I've been kind of lonely lately. Not depressed about it, but we've all been there when it would be nice to have someone to give your attention to. When I feel like this I do something you would think would magnify the gaping hole in my romantic life: see a movie alone. It's kind of like reveling in the fact of being alone with makes you in turn feel powerful and contented. 

The wedding was pretty fun, it was an amazing ceremony, I totally cried. I cried at a stranger's wedding. If I knew anyone besides annie it probably would have been more comfortable but I'm really glad I got to see that and drink a bunch of free wine. I'm also glad to spend time with Annie. She's always been kind of hard for me to peg. Seeing people from her immediate past and hearing her talk about her current situation helped me understand her better. 

Her perspective is a little different from mine, some things she does and says I wouldn't do, but I also relate to her in a lot of ways. We're both pretty perceptive to our environment and like to be as honest as we can with people. I think that's why she can come across as selfish or rude to some people. We were both in restricting relationships and for the first time we feel truly independent and free to act any way we please. It's a balancing act, trying to experiment and grow, testing yours and others boundaries, but we're both working towards something positive. 

This is one of my favorite things about growing up. I don't write people off as often as I used to. It's hard and takes some mental work but I'm getting better at realizing my mistakes and making them known. If we all did that a little more, maybe we'd all be more forgiving about things said and done. To self edit all the time is almost impossible. We may not know perfectly who we are or what we want, but most of the time people know what they don't want or don't want to be perceived as. 

These past weeks has shown me that yoga is definitely a process. It's been really inspiring because of the book I'm reading has a nice duality with it. It's about living without a large, life defining goal and enjoying the "sublime" of life, the process, the journey. It sounds cheesy and slightly nihilistic, but it quite isn't. Yoga is about enjoying your process and being in the moment, letting all of the noise and self induced stress around you melt away. In turn you become more focused and relaxed, which has happened to me. 

I started realizing how much having a large life goal can be detrimental to my well being. I would catch myself fantasizing about becoming a pilates instructor and being so strong and in control of my body or working for some prestigious journal or magazine. These are nice things, but I'm young and things will come or not and it doesn't matter. You have to like what your doing right now. By doing that, you don't just slack off self actualization  and turn on autopilot, you learn to like life by the moment, and the more I'm in a contented and happy place, the more I strive to get back to it when life becomes hard or stressful. We try so hard to declutter our physical reality, to control our surroundings when all that really matter is all the mental garbage we keep lying around. Like obsessive collectors, we hold onto anxious thoughts or lofty goals or strict ideals , not giving us a second of peace of mind.